Caveat: Alex Jones is a bit of a whackadoodle. Jones is a libertarian conspiracy theorist who has a radio show (surprise) and runs a Web site called Prison Planet, which counsels its readers on how to buy gold and survive martial law under Barack Obama.

But I love whackadoodles in the same way I love stopped clocks. Besides, this write up on Prison Planet about security screeners at Heathrow passing around naked scans of a Bollywood star is right up my alley. Privacy! Nudity! Hot Indian guy with GREAT weave! What’s not to like??

The skinny is that Heathrow has installed full body x-ray scanners that let inspectors peek under suspect’s passenger’s clothes as they pass through security. The scan is printed out and combed over before suspects passengers are allowed to their gate. Britons ballyhooed over what would become of these printouts. Legislators swore up and down that they would be shredded as soon as the inspectors were done ogling the suspects (I give up).

Only, not so much. Indian movie star Shahrukh Khan noticed female screeners staring at his printout. Being a good sport, he autographed the x-ray of his ample manhood. Now Prison Planet and its attendant conspiracy of conspiracy theorists are in an uproar that these “professional” screeners are passing around the prints like they’re high-tech airport porn. Invasion of our privacy! Violation of freedom! Why, if I want to smuggle a nuclear bomb on board a plane, that’s my RIGHT! And yada yada yada.

Oh, calm down, libertarians – I joke. You’re absolutely right that this is a gross violation of civil liberties. We were born into this world naked, and it’s our God-given right to be ashamed of that.

What I don’t understand is why more people aren’t excited about this story. Dude, someone FUCKING INVENTED X-RAY GLASSES!!

You’re with me, right, guys? Sure you are. You remember placing the order for those X-Ray Specs from the back of The Amazing Spider-Man, only to slap them on four to six weeks later and go, “Well, shit, this is disappointing.” Now some of our childhood friends have created The Real Deal, and all we can do is whine about privacy? This is true science-fiction cool, folks. We’re talking tea-Earl-Gray-hot cool.

No, huh?

Ah, well. Maybe it’s true what they say: something dies inside of you after you mail your first rent check.

alex jones, heathrow airport, london, privacy, security, terrorism